New jutsus
by Sterminator600
Summary: I am THE BEST NINJA IN THE WHOLE FREAKING WORLD! Just to prove it, i've invented a kickass technique...ps be kind as english is not my native languagee hey ehy why don't you just review? You're not getting any cookies like that
1. I am a genius

I am Sasuke Uchiha, last heir of my glorious clan. I'm a wicked, bastard brat but I am sooo cute. AND I'M THE BEST, THE MOST TALENTED NINJA IN THE WORLD, MWAHAHAHAHAHA! As a matter of fact, I've just invented a new espionage technique that just can't fail. I am a goddamned Genius. Under the supervision of my sensei, Orochimaru, I created the fantastic "Supreme Technique of the Spiritual Exchange with the Object you Chose no Jutsu". And now is finally time to try it. Fisrt off, you choose who to stalk. For example, let's say I want to see what my almighty sensei Orochimaru-sama does during the hours he spends in the bathroom in the evening. Then I choose the object that would give you the perfect point of view of the room. I picked the toothbrush. But I could have chosen anything, from the bath tub to, you won't believe your ears, the TOILET SEAT! (Now, I said something!). And finally: just make the 25 hand seals needed for the transformation, and I'm not telling you about them, as they are so difficult that only a few Chosen Ones can memorize and understand them (if you didn't notice I'm one of those Chosen Ones). Obviously my sensei doesn't know I'm spying on him, because if he knew the result would be clearly altered.

I'm in the bathroom. The time has come. I left some clone of mine with Kabuto. They're watching the tv. I look for Orochimaru-sama's toothbrush. I think is the light pink snake shaped one. I DO the technique and...

Kabuto stared at the idiotic smile on Sasuke's face. He had a really empty look. Every now and then he said something like "EEEeeeeeeeeeeeeEEe" while making an extremely cute smile. But Kabuto couldn't hug him and yell "CUTE!", like he wished to do, for Orochimaru-sama was sitting on the couch with them. The youngster, being the arse licker servant he is, couldn't just wreck the image he had in his master's eyes. He would have been kicked out, that was sure.

After Sasuke's 100th "EEEeeeeeeEEEeee" Orochimaru let go his popcorn and he threw himself over his poor future container. Kabut looked away, he didn't want to see the horrible wounds that the young Uchiha would have in a short while. As he didn't hear a thing he turned, just in time to see Orochimaru-sama that, oblivious of any dignity, was hugging Sasuke, who kept saying "EEEeeeeeEEEe" and making cute faces. After having grinded Sasuke he yelled "CUTE!", and after that he came back to his usual dark attitude.

Sasuke was lying on the bathroom's floor, holding Orochimaru-sensei's toothbrush in his rigid fingers.

"EUREKA! IT WORKS! IT WORKS!" cried the Toothbrush. The experiment was a success. Sasuke had taken the toothbrush's place. The technique allowed the young ninja to see and hear everything. He could talk too, and he could use all his five senses. His only problem was moving. He hadn't thought about that at all. Anyway, someone would have picked him sooner or later. But there was a new problem. Now that the toothbrush spirit was in his body (and as we all know usually toothbrushes aren't living creatures) how the HECK would he be able to get his butt somewhere else! Luckily, or unluckily, the newly chosen cleaning man enters the scene. Some Perfindo Kuroyama guy (of unknown origin -supposedely Japanese - Italian). He found the poor little soulless Sasuke's body on the floor, picked him up and placed him in the garbage can. After that he put the toothbrush in its place and he went away, along with the poor little Uchiha body.

"Ok Kabuto, it's time to get ready for the night. Where are my cucumbers slices?" asked powerful Orochimaru.

"I put them on the kitchen table, in your favourite bowl..."

Orochimaru thanked Kabuto for the information and reached the place, just in time to see something he really didn't wish to see.

Sasuke's clone had eaten HIS cucumber slices and, just to help it in, he was gnawing HIS bowl!

"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING! PUT THAT BOWL DOW..."

"EEEeeeeEE" said the clone with a super cute super idiot face.

"YOU'RE CUTE!" squeeled the King of Terror (not Diabolik, Orochimaru) jumped on him. He got a hold of himself, and decided to start the bathroom stuff without his cucumber slices. What a pity.

Sasuke heard the door opening. Orochimaru looked around him suspiciously, and then locked the door with a triple lock. He looked at the mirror with a satisfied smile.

"You're sexy as usual, Orochimaru. Oh, don't make me blush, Orochimaru! Aw, but it's true! Kukukukuku you naughty boy!"

Little Uchiha was shocked at the sight of his sensei talking to himself. He was saying such stupid things! He watched him as he combed his hair carefully, noting to himself what splendid hair he had. The Terror of Konoha opened the cabinet and he took out a pink peep. A cute little duck, it was...

"Good evening, miss Lulù! How are you today? Will you please keep me company during my bath?"

Sasuke was Scared (or better Scarred). It just couldn't be true. Konoha was terrorized by such a useless man? "After all he is a great warrior. And he is my sensei too...maybe I should start behaving like him..."

Orochimaru went out of the bath tub after an hour and a half, he slipped into his bautiful black and flourishing pink kimono and got dressed. He used four different facial creams and after that he told the mirror: "Don't you think that Sasuke too should use these creams? I'd like my future container to have the same smooth skin I have! Oh, you're so right."

The toothbrush, that was now the last Uchiha heir, would have jumped back if he could. And after that, he felt someone's grip on him. The horrible sensation of toothpaste being spread over his head would have haunted Sasuke in each and every future nightmare of his. And then, the unrepairable. He felt like Orochimaru-sama was brushing his teeth with his hair and that he was licking his face with that terrible tongue of his. Young Uchiha's nightmare would have a lot of material to work on. Finally he got washed and put back to his place, next to his own toothbrush. A nightmare. A night full of them night was looming.


	2. Why am I sooo intelligent?

Chapter 2: Why am I soooo intelligent?

Sasuke opened his eyes. Well, he hadn't got eyes anymore, but he felt as if he was opening them. He had dreamt about a lot of nasty things. He didn't remember them clearly, but he was sure that they had to do with a dressed up as a toothbrush Orochimaru that was running after him holding some hydratant cream on his tongue. He tried shaking his head, but he couldn't.

A noise made him fully wake up: the door was opening.

"EEEeeeeeEEEEe"

"HOWCUUUTEYOUARE!" yelled Kabuto going after his absent looking clone that had taken the toothpaste. He was still saying his trademark sentence when he opened the toothpaste and squeezed it. Kabuto didn't mind the chaos that the clone was making as he was too busy hugging him –just as much as the fake Sasuke was 'hugging' the toothpaste -.

Not completely satisfied, the stupid Clone decided to take young Uchiha's toothbrush and to throw it high in the room, towards the lightbulb. Still saying "EEEeeeeEEEee" he caught it after the throw. He kept doing that until the poor object broke the chandelier of the bathroom. Only then Kabuto broke free from his cuteness induced coma and told him:

"ARE YOU CRAZY WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING? YOU BROKE THE CHAN…."

"EEeeeeEEE"

"AAAAAWWW YOU'RE LITTLE AND CUTE!"

Sasuke looked daggers at them. Kabuto made the Clone go away, hugging him, and tried to get a hold of himself.

He did what he had to, he took a shower, he brushed his teeth, he combed his hair and he put his glasses on. Sasuke felt better at the though that at least Kabuto had not a strange behaviour. Then he was lifted and he found himself facing the servant.

"Orochimaru, your toothbrush too is sexy! Why do you make me suffer like that? I love you sooo much…but you never look at me…you're always after that Sasuke bitch.". after that he looked around stealthily and started licking Sasuke. Well, the Sasuke toothbrush, who was having a hard time holding back a scream.

The poor Uchiha boy then saw in horror that Kabuto took HIS toothbrush (the one that now is used by the Clone) and he soaked it into the loo.

"I hope it is the first time he's doing it. Please God, tell me I'm right, please God tell me …"

In that very moment Kabuto got out of the bathroom yelling "I'M DONE!"

Then that Clone jerk entered. Sasuke couldn't hold back anymore: "Don't put that toothbrush in your mouth, got it?"

The idiot looked around saying something new: "Ooooo". Sasuke wanted to scream: "HOW CUUUUTE!" but he restrained himself. He couldn't get caught. The Clone made an idiot face and glared around looking for someone – or something – that would him what to do. "OOooooo"

"Open that cabinet on the right, Orochimaru-sama used to keep in there his new toothbrushes. Throw away the one you're holding and pick a new one!"

"EEEeeeeEE" the nonsense uttering Clone said while he was taking the toothbrush-Sasuke and starting to shake it violently. Then he remembered that he had to complete a mission. He took tha other toothbrush he was holding (the Kabuto-molested one) and he threw it in the loo. He wasn't satisfied with that, so he decided to throw there also three rolls of toilet paper, four Orochimaru's hair pins and Kabuto's glasses. Then he flushed it all and "EEEeeeeeEE" seized a new toothbrush.

"You're good! Now spread some toothpaste on it and brush your teeth."

"O?" said the Clone acting confused.

"Spread some toothpaste on it and brush your teeth."

"O?" repeated the Clone.

"PUT SOME TOOTHPASTE ON THAT TOOTHBRUSH AND THEN WITH SAID TOOTHBRUSH BRUSH YOUR TEETH." Said Sasuke slowly, nearly spelling every word.

"O?" repeated the Clone.

Sasuke was on the edge of forgetting about it when that grateful little being started chafing the toothbrush against the toothpaste he previously spread on the floor (do you remember?).

"D'OH!" screamed Sasuke. The Clone stopped. He had a guilty, sorry face. Two big tears were welling in his eyes. The young Uchiha felt a lump in his throat. He apologized profusely and reassured poor Clone telling him that he had don the right thing, that he was right, nothing should go to waste!

"EEeeeeEEee" smiled stupidly and cutely the jerkish Sasuke-looking boy.

Sasuke, with a real waste of energy, told his substitute how to empty his bladder. The problem was that he emptied it on the floor.

"D'OH!" cried tha last Uchiha heir. The Clone didn't notice it, as he was really putting his mind to watching the yellowish pond at his feet. He smiled and, still obeying to instructions, he took a shower. Two hours later, when the queue ouside the bathroom was reaching the borders of the Oto village, the jerk managed to get dressed in only half an hour and got out, hands clenched around toothbrush-Sasuke.

On the way to the kitchen they met Orochimaru. He caressed the Clone's head, that when requested could grow some really cute kitty ears. Then the Terror of Konoha took his toothbrush and put it back after the same process he had gone through last night.

Once alone, little Uchiha was asking himself WHO THE HELL was acting as him. Then someone entered the Temple (the bathroom). It was Perfindo that, bending down, lost his beard. I mean he lost it all in a go.

Then before Sasuke's 'eyes' Perfindo was discovered: he was Kakashi-sensei. He put his fake beard back in place and said out loud:

"I know someone is trying some new jutsu in this very moment."

Sasuke felt like he was stuck in Orochimaru's mouth again. Kakashi-sensei KNEW. Right then, the famous copyninja got out of the bathroom thinking "I should stop saying random things only because they make me sound cool."

Thanks to every one that rewieved! Sigh…you make me so happy! LOVE YOU !


	3. Perfindo, oh, Perfindo!

Charter 3: Perfindo, oh, Perfindo!

It was evening in the Oto land. "WE GO TOGETHER LIKE DAMMA LAMMA LAMMA DA DINGA KADINGA DONG" was singing the toothbrush. Only him and the Clone were in the bathroom. His substitute was trying to sing along with his master, but he didn't manage to…effectively he couldn't say nothing more than "EEEEEeeeeeeEEEEee OO oo".

"Listen Clone, I need to ask something." Said the pink, snake shaped toothbrush stealthily.

"EeEeEEEEeeee" replied the Clone staring at the ceiling.

"Call Perfindo and bring him here, ok?"

"oOOOOoooo" the substitute only stared at some point above his head. Then he shake his head and was kind of back to a more normal state. Then he shook his head with energy.

True Sasuke then was put back in the toothbrushes glass and started waiting, following with his eyes his Clone. The Clone too was the result of a new jutsu that revolved around the creation of a long lasting clone without a continue waste of chakra. But now Sasuke was starting to think that he had given his clone too little chakra…

The Clone was walking looking for Perfindo. The problem was he didn't know who Perfindo was. His 'brain' had thought, obviously in a less complex way than a normal brain, the following thought:

"Boss wants Perfindo. Who's Perfindo? I don't know, but Kabuto and Orochimaru have always been kind to me. Orochimaru gives me candies. Candies are tasty. The strawberry flavoured ones are the best. Does boss like candies? Everyone likes candies. I bring strawberry flavoured candies to boss."

In five minutes this was all he had thought. He went towards Orochimaru, who had gone to the basement to check on the wine, and he grabbed his sleeve. "EEeeeeeEEEEee" "HOW CUTE YOU ARE! Here you go, four candies!" "EEEeeeeEEee"

"Ah, here comes my brave substitute, has he been a good warrior? Has he acquiesced to my request?"

The idiot substitute gave Sasuke the candies telling him the usual one vowel composed statement.

Sasuke told him off and send him to look for "Perfindo, that bearded bloke!"

The clone had to come back and listen to the order three times and, after the fourth try, Kakashi (aka Perfindo Kuroyama, do you remember?) entered the bathroom on his own free will. The Clone entered with him in the room, saw his Target, grabbed his sleeve and, with a proud look, he yelled: "EEEeeeeEE!"

"Yes, well done, now sit on the loo and don't move."

Kakashi looked stunned at the talking toothbrush ordering Sasuke around. Then he was right? Sasuke had gone nuts because of Orochimaru's experiments? And what about the Sasuke he had found on the floor some days ago?

"Kakashi-sensei, where did you put my body?"

"Stop right there…YOU….YOU are Sasuke! How on Earth…" whispered Kakashi holding the pink toothbrush in his hands. "And now how to come back to your own body? I mean…you have thought about that, haven't you?

"D'OH!"

-

Thanks to every one who reviewed! Thanks a lot!

By the way, Perfindo is pronounced "Payr-feen-doh" –the Italian way to pronounce it. And EEEeeeeEEE oooOOooo is like "Ay – oh" but don't bother with this nonsense. Not worth the time you'd spend on learning how to correctly pronounce it.


	4. Ok, maybe I'm not so intelligent

Charter 4: Ok, maybe I'm not so intelligent…

Sauke was really frightened. He didn't like to live as Orochimaru's toothbrush forever. The Clone at the sight of his desperate master started to weep, hugged Kakashi-sensei, who only whispered something like "how cuuute".

"Kakashi-sensei, please help me! Where did you put my body? Maybe if I stay close to it I'll just enter it, right?"

"Your body is in Naruto's care. It's near anyway, on a nearby mountain…"

Sasuke had some ideas about what to do to Naruto if he was conscious while he was at his side.

Kakashi tried to ignore the toothbrush's moans, and was desperately thinking of a way to make Sasuke return to his body. After 30 seconds of uninterrupted thinking, he said out:

"Man, how difficult is thinking. Clone, give my meninxes a good massage!"

The toothbrush woke up from his obscene, wild dreams. He had thought about some "game" that involved toothbrushes, but it ws not the time to think that.

"if you want, I tell you the hand seals I used…"

"Hey! A wonderful idea…why don't you tell me the hand seals you used?"

"With all due respect, Kakashi-sensei, you're a jerk."

"Hey! Another wonderful idea…why don't you just shut up about my IQ."

"No way! You are…"

The Clone's head gave out a little cloud of smoke that –BIFF!- vanished.

"EEEeeeeEEEee E E OoooO OoO!"

"What are you saying?" asked curiously the copyninja.

"He says that he thinks we should use a potion."

"How do you know? Now you even understand his language, given that he actually says somethingat all?"

"I don't know, all of a sudden I DO understand what he says. NO! Please don't tell me I'm becoming like my clone…"

With another BIFF! And subsequent little cloud of smoke, the Clone grabbed Orochimaru's lipstick and "EEEeeeEE oOO!" started writing on the mirror:

"As the hand seals were for the most part of fire, the antidote should therefore be composed by a large quantity of water. Moreover, to help one's mind switch from an object to a living body, it is universally acknowledged that the potion has to contain a lot of wood, as it is, if you know what I mean, the most "living" of the five basical elements."

Sasuke had his eyes just as big as soccer ball. Kakashi took off his mask out of shock. Sasuke, even more shocked, noticed that under Kakashi's mask there was nothing. NOTHING. Neither a nose, nor a mouth. The Clone kept on writing the most complex equations on the mirror, and Toothbrush Sasuke managed to say:

"He is my Clone. **I **created him! How intelligenti s my child!"

The Clone had still his idiot face on, even when he was writing those brainy things on the mirror. He even managed to grow some really cute kitten ears! (again). Anyway, after having filled the mirror in lipstick, Clone collapsed and started eating Orochimaru's candies.

The copyninja didn't really know anything about math or potions, so he decided to take a picture of the mirror and to send it via MMS to Tsunade, who understood the formulas and answered:

"Who's the genius who wrote this? You are not, that's for sure! Send me the picture of this super-man, so that if I ever meet him I can stop him just to have a looong chat about biology, then I may find out he's my type. I won't be a spinster anymore, MWAHAHA!"

Kakashi read out loud the message. "Geez, it must be hard for her, alwayts seeing her friends happily married while she is still on the shelf because Jiraiya wouldn't propose to her if his life depended on it…"

Meanwhile, Clone had stuck his head in the loo and was happily blowing bubbles in the water. He looked very…entertained, as he continued for like 20 minutes.


	5. Ok, I give up My brain is a fly drop

Charter 5: Okay, I give up. My brain is as big as a fly drop.

Kakashi had to take away his student. He just couldn't let anyone brush his teeth with a pupil of his, let alone with Sasuke. In order to accomplish that, he created a clone of the toothbrush and replaced Sasuke with the copy of the diabolical object.

Clone: "………OooooO o O ;;"

Kakashi "The 'diabolical object' is the toothbrush."

Clone: "Aaaa! )"

Sasuke looked Clone into his eyes and cried out of excitement: "YOU JUST SAID A NEW VOWEL! You deserve eight candies! Go and extort them form Orochimaru, cutie!"

But shall we get back to the substitution. The new toothbrush was blue and dolphin shaped (if you know what I mean). Young Uchiha was skeptical. He didn't think that Orochimaru could be fooled that easily, unless he had a cataract. But even in that case he would have noticed, as it was different to the touch too.

"Don't you get it? We just have to give it to him as a present, telling him we believe it's about time to change his old toothbrush. He will be moved, he will cry, he will thank us, he will be life-long grateful to us, he won't attack Konoha and we will be adored as heroes." ( a vivid imagination).

"Just for a toothbrush?"

"Of course, or I won't be called Nostradamus anymore."

"Kakashi-sensei…"

SBRANG

"Have you heard it too?" asked Sasuke worried about the noise that seemed to be from the kitchen. It was so loud that a bunch of birds were leaving their nests in terror.

"What?"

"That loud as hell noise!"

"But Sasuke-chan, I was checking in the mirror if I had some white hair, when I'm busy with this crucial process I don't hear of feel anything…"

The Clone entered the bathroom in shock. His expression was the image of pure terror. Kakashi picked Sasuke and ran to check what was going on in the kitchen. He soon regretted it.

"Kabuto…Kabuto…oh…"

"Orochimaru-sama…mmm"

The kitchen table was wrecked on the floor. Its legs, that someone had mis-positioned, had fallen ( the nests-leaving noise). Kabuto and Orochimaru were standing on what was left of the table and were doing , °/° and –guess what!- xy 3 TOO!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Kakashi-sensei, cover my virgin eyes, I BEG OF YOU!"

Clone was not shocked anymore and now was obsverving the scene with a curious look on his face. He didn't really understand what was going on, so he got nearer, he crouched next to them and started staring at them. They couldn't care less and kept doing things so obscene that I can't write them on a crack fic. At that point the copyninja lifted the Clone, held him is his arms, tightened the grip around Sasuke, put his headband on the other eye too and went back to the bathroom. The Clone was trying really hard to copy what he had seen, but as he didn't see the merit in it, he simply forgot it and got back to blowing bubbles in the loo, a thing he found much more funny.

At that very moment Naruto (finally) got in through the window and yelled "SASUKE WOKE UP, KAKASHI-SENSEI, HE JUST WOK..." and he stopped as soon as he saw one more Sasuke blowing bubbles in the loo and a toothbrush with the youngest Uchiha's voice stuttering meaningless words. Naruto went in stand-by, than after some minute he woke up, didn't ask anything and went to the kitchen to drink a glass of water, as he wasn't feeling well.

"NO, wai..." tried to warn his sensei.

Naruto came back even more shocked. So shocked he put the Clone aside and started blowing bubbles in the loo.

"NO, Naruto, how can I kiss you now!" were the last words of the toothbrush before passing out.


	6. I'm an idiot and I apologize for it

Charter 5: Okay, I give up. My brain is as big as a fly drop.

Kakashi had to take away his student. He just couldn't let anyone brush his teeth with a pupil of his, let alone with Sasuke. In order to accomplish that, he created a clone of the toothbrush and replaced Sasuke with the copy of the diabolical object.

Clone: "………OooooO o O ;;"

Kakashi "The 'diabolical object' is the toothbrush."

Clone: "Aaaa! )"

Sasuke looked Clone into his eyes and cried out of excitement: "YOU JUST SAID A NEW VOWEL! You deserve eight candies! Go and extort them form Orochimaru, cutie!"

But shall we get back to the substitution. The new toothbrush was blue and dolphin shaped (if you know what I mean). Young Uchiha was skeptical. He didn't think that Orochimaru could be fooled that easily, unless he had a cataract. But even in that case he would have noticed, as it was different to the touch too.

"Don't you get it? We just have to give it to him as a present, telling him we believe it's about time to change his old toothbrush. He will be moved, he will cry, he will thank us, he will be life-long grateful to us, he won't attack Konoha and we will be adored as heroes." ( a vivid imagination).

"Just for a toothbrush?"

"Of course, or I won't be called Nostradamus anymore."

"Kakashi-sensei…"

SBRANG

"Have you heard it too?" asked Sasuke worried about the noise that seemed to be from the kitchen. It was so loud that a bunch of birds were leaving their nests in terror.

"What?"

"That loud as hell noise!"

"But Sasuke-chan, I was checking in the mirror if I had some white hair, when I'm busy with this crucial process I don't hear of feel anything…"

The Clone entered the bathroom in shock. His expression was the image of pure terror. Kakashi picked Sasuke and ran to check what was going on in the kitchen. He soon regretted it.

"Kabuto…Kabuto…oh…"

"Orochimaru-sama…mmm"

The kitchen table was wrecked on the floor. Its legs, that someone had mis-positioned, had fallen ( the nests-leaving noise). Kabuto and Orochimaru were standing on what was left of the table and were doing , °/° and –guess what!- xy 3 TOO!

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! Kakashi-sensei, cover my virgin eyes, I BEG OF YOU!"

Clone was not shocked anymore and now was obsverving the scene with a curious look on his face. He didn't really understand what was going on, so he got nearer, he crouched next to them and started staring at them. They couldn't care less and kept doing things so obscene that I can't write them on a crack fic. At that point the copyninja lifted the Clone, held him is his arms, tightened the grip around Sasuke, put his headband on the other eye too and went back to the bathroom. The Clone was trying really hard to copy what he had seen, but as he didn't see the merit in it, he simply forgot it and got back to blowing bubbles in the loo, a thing he found much more funny.

At that very moment Naruto (finally) got in through the window and yelled "SASUKE WOKE UP, KAKASHI-SENSEI, HE JUST WOK..." and he stopped as soon as he saw one more Sasuke blowing bubbles in the loo and a toothbrush with the youngest Uchiha's voice stuttering meaningless words. Naruto went in stand-by, than after some minute he woke up, didn't ask anything and went to the kitchen to drink a glass of water, as he wasn't feeling well.

"NO, wai..." tried to warn his sensei.

Naruto came back even more shocked. So shocked he put the Clone aside and started blowing bubbles in the loo.

"NO, Naruto, how can I kiss you now!" were the last words of the toothbrush before passing out.


	7. I guess I'm not the only jerk out there!

Chapter 7: I guess I'm not the only jerk out there!

Sasuke's Body grinned evilly. He glanced at the expressensions of the people around him, looking for the growing curiosity in their faces, fed by is stubborn silence. Finally he started talking and the looks were more and more concerned, ready to catch each and every little unsaid detail blah blah blah.

"You have to know that I was one of Orochimaru's pupils..." but he stopped suddenly, as Naruto had raised his hand and asked: "Can I eat popcrons while you're speaking?" "NO! The moment is heavy of dramatic tension you twit!" "Shoot!"

"Anyway, it all started five years ago, when I was one of Orochimaru's pupils..."

"FIVE YEARS? Oh my...you're old!" said toothbrush Sasuke.

The Body acted as if he hadn't heard Sasuke's comment and kept on going "...Orochimaru's pupils. I had developed a espionage techinique that I thought perfect. I could switch bodies with an object and obsverve everything as the object itself. I wanted to have a look at Orochimaru's evening _toilette_...so I chose the toothbrush..."

"You're trying to say that five years ago Orochimaru had this very toothbrush? Where did he grow up? It's just impossible that he never heard of Konoha's most popular motto? _The three months used tooth brush has to be changed in a rush! _(argh...in italian it was soooooooooooooo much better!)" Asked a very shocked Kakashi, then added: "Listen guys, I'd rather have my arms cut off than to hear this boring crap of a story. Can't we just see the flashback?"

"Hey! It's five years I think about how to tell my story!"

"Your problem. If you're boring I can't help it. If you want to keep on ranting do, but I'm definetely watching the flashback!"

FLASHBACK

_A boy sneaked in the bathroom. You couldn't see his face, and his hair were tied up in a tight bun. Obviously he didn't want any of you reader to find out his identity. He moved towards the toothbrush and made fifteen hand seals. His body fell on the floor, apparantly soulless. His bun loosened, and he was someone who you very well know. ITACHI UCHIHA. His body lied on the floor foor some time, then he got up and looked around with a diabolical expression in his face. _

END FLASHBACK

"ZOMG! THEN YOU'RE ITACHI! YOU BASTARD, I'LL KILL YOUR ASS!" yelled the toothbrush with the foam on his mouth.

Sasuke's Body, from now on called Itachi, looked around in pure shock and asked innocently: "Why? What have I done? Where did my little Sasuke chan go? The one who was always following me around, smiling to me and giving me that wide eyes look and lovely cute smile?"

"YOU! YOU DARE ASK ME! YOU..."

"eEEEeEee OOOooO Aaa EEee"

"Which is?"

"Sasuke, try to think.. if he was a toothbrush, it means that someone switched bodies with him and that someone did all that nasty stuff..."

"As a matter of fact, I'm not that up to date with Konoha's history... since the toothbrush got my body, I've always been inside that glass in the bathroom..."

"You trying to tell me that a toothbrush made my life a living hell? That a toothbrush tied me to my fate of revenge? That a toothbrush wrecked my life? That some random toothbrush can use the sharingan and even the Mangekyou sharingan? A TOOTHBRUUSHH?"

"YOU TRYING TO TELL ME THAT EVERY TOOTHBRUSH IS A LIVING CREATURE!" asked a shocked nearly dead Kakashi.

"Naah, only Orochimaru's. If not, I wouldn't have felt so lonely in that glass..." whispered Itachi sheding a tear. "Anyway...how are they at home? Mommy and daddy?"

"They're dead. The toothbrush did them in."

"What? And what about auntie and uncle?"

"They're dead too. The toothbrush did them in."  
"And my turtle?"

"We ate her when we ran short of food."

"And my teddy bear?"

"The toothrush ripped out his guts and hanged him."

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

Sasuke was looking for the words to make his brother feel better. Actually, his brother had been the person he hated from the deep bottom of his heart. Strange world. "Ehy, be calm...now you've got my body, so you're the best brother finally, isn't it?". Well maybe he DID hate him.

Over the story was. Naruto woke up and asked "Why is the beautiful Sasuke is crying? What happened when I was sleeping?"

"Dunno...I was checking my hair for white ones..."


	8. If this is the heavenly Uchiha clan

Chapter 8: if this is the genius filled Uchiha clan...

After the shocking truth uttered by Itachi, Sasuke felt just like an avenger tied to a stupid fate. He could so see himself telling his future pupils: "...and so I killed the toothbrush that wrecked my life!". No one would buy it.

"Listen brother, why don't you just give me this body as a present? It's really aerodynamic! Besides it's beautiful, it makes me feel cool as hell..."

"NO FUCKING WAY! That's **_MY_** body and you're definetely giving it back!"

"Pretty please!" (uff...in italian i could make a wonderful double sense just naming the body "peter"! Non quel doppio senso, pervertite! )

"AAaaaaw, come on! Just to bring back the clan to its ancient _grandeur_! You've got such a cute, angel like face...every girl in her right mind would fall for me!"

Sasuke would have liked Kakashi to beat the hell out of Itachi without desfiguring is cute angel like face, but he disinclined to acquiesce to the request.

Meanwhile Naruto was trying to figure out how to follow Kakashi's plan for switching the toothbrush before Orochimaru's evening _toilette_. By the way, the snake shaped man's Dark Hideout was filled with heart breaking weeping. If you really put your mind to it, you could hear the Terror of Konoha crying "WHERE IS MY LITTLE, CUTE, ADORABLE SASUKE CHAN?". It looked like he was done having fun with Kabuto and was looking for his second favourite passion: the Clone.

"EEEeeeeEEee OOoooOO A O O O!"

"Which is?"

"He says it's better to bring him back, so he can get the ingredients and keep an eye on Orochimaru."

All of a sudden, Naruto jerked forward and took Sasuke from Kakashi saying "Perfect, and by the way, when we will deliver the new toothbrush I will keep you forever in my chest pocket, with me, forever...I don't give a damn if you're a toothbrush, I love you anyway! I would love you even if you were a toilet brush! I...I...oh, Sasuke..." in that very moment he was holding Sasuke right before his loving eyes. "I love you! And as proof of my love...as a proof, I will kiss you! Even if you're like that and Orochimaru passed his tongue all over you!"

Kakashi had really wide eyes. "SASUKE! OH, I'M SO HAPPY! FINALLY YOU FOUND A BOY WHO'S HEAD OVER HEEL IN LOVE WITH YOU! Come back to Konoha and marry him!"

Meanwhile Itachi was so envious that he felt like puking bile. Why only his brother found the hottest, head over heel in love boys? He sure wouldn't have minded if a Naruto like boy loved him like that, in those extreme conditions! (I don't think someone would actually mind...) He started to come up with a plan to kill them all and joining a criminal association.

While Naruto had stuck Orochimaru's toothbrush aka Sasuke in his mouth and was kissing him quite passionetely emitting indecent moanings and such, the Clone took Itachi's hand and brought him to an isolate spot in the cave.

"What do you want? Can't you see I want to suffer on my own? Can't you see I'm thinking of a way to kill them all and joining a criminal association?"

The clone went is stand-by ed emitted the usual BIFF. "Can-deh!"

"CLONE TALKS! MY SON TALKS! DID YOU HEAR HIM? HE SAID "CANDY"! HE TALKS! HE'S MY SON! I TAUGHT HIM EVERYTHING I KNEW!"

"Yes, but why candies?"

"WHOTHEHELLCARES! HE **_TALKS_**! This is a great satisfaction for a mommy..."

"For a mother?" asked Kakashi in shock.

"Why candies?" insisted Itachi.

"For a mother?" re asked Kakashi.

"Why candies?"

"For a ..."

"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooo Eo"

"Which is?"

"Nothing, just ooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo eo"

Then the Clone could explain, obviously via trasnlater, that he wanted to offer Itachi some candies, as he was so gloomy and angered. After having explained, he took Kakashi's hand and went to the road to Orochimaru's.

In a handful of minutes the EXCHANGE would have taken place. Kakashi was holding in his hands the future of a pink toothbrush, of Sasuke, of Orochimaru, of his manhood (you still remember Tsunade, right?), of a blue toothbrush, of a Clone, of Itachi, OF THE WORLD! And he was holding in his hand the Clone's hand...too many things for a lazy scarecrow good for nothing who can't even think. Still, he was going fearless towards the World's destiny with one and only one thought: "Orochimaru will give me a chocolate, right? Even he can't be that bitchy..."


	9. If this are the ninjas in Konoha

Chapter 9: If this are the ninjas in Konoha….

Kakashi knocked at the door of the Dark Hideout. The door opened and showed a gloomy, dark hall. GNEEEEEEK "AAAAAAAAAAAA! Damn! That wrecked remote always has to make the _grand_ effect and keeps scaring me to death! And I always forget about it every goddamned time!...anyway, who's there?"

"OOoee EEeeee e e e"

"CUUUTE! Seen Kabuto? Serves you right! He didn't leave me! He loves me!"

Kakashi felt useless. I mean, he had just showed up right bifore Orochimaru's eyes and all he was doing was looking at Clone!

"Hey there, Orochimaru. How's life?"

"Oh, Kakashi! You're charming as usual! That mask has been in my wildest dreams for ages…want a chocolate?"

"No. I came here for…a bargain." Replied Kakashi acting like a real man who doesn't take a step back even in front of chocolates. But God knew how much he craved for them.

"Really? No chocolates? Want a candy instead?"

"No, thanks. As I was saying…an affair…" which is: "shit, just stop threatening my diet and my macho image, I said NO!"

"Not even a candy? But this way you'll get too slim! Aw, come on, what about a slice of cake? With whipped cream!"

"Orochimaru, I don't feel like eating."

Orochimaru: "ok"

Kakashi: "ok"

O: "Fine."  
K: "Fine!"

O: "Perfect"

K: "Aw, alright. Gimme that chocolate, will ya."

Once in the kitchen, the Clone seized the strawberry candies, and Orochimaru remembered Kakashi's words.

"A bargain, you said? You know that I'm not a receiver anymore. You'll have to find someone else for those DVDs of yours…"

Kabuto nodded, as to say: "Yes, he is a serious criminal now."

"Well, it's not that kind of bargain…it's more like…well, I wanted to give you a present!"

Kabuto started to growl under his breath.

"Sorry Kakashi…I just got engaged with Kabuto…you should have noticed before."

The mere thought of sharing his bed with Orochimaru was really going to crack the jounin's steel nerves, but he tried not to puke right then and there.

"OOOEeoooeoooo o oo"

"HERE YOU GO, CUTIE! 4 CANDIES!"

At that very moment Kakashi caught the Clone softened heart of Orochimaru and took the new toothbrush.

"Orochimaru, please accept this present!"  
"A toothbrush? Sorry, I've already got one…"

"Right! Orochimaru-sama has already got one. He doesn't need it!" stated a really offended Kabuto.

"But I heard his is already five years old…"

FLASHBACK for those who forgot:

Don't you get it? We just have to give it to him as a present, telling him we believe it's about time to change his old toothbrush. He **will** **be moved**, he **will cry**, he **will thank us**, he **will be life-long grateful to us**, he **won't attack Konoha** and we **will be adored as heroes**."

END OF FLASHBACK for those who forgot

Orochimaru stood still. He thought about it for a long moment and then, with a lump in his throat, he spoke: "Oh…you..you all love me so much…**I'm moved**, I'm…oh…sniff" **tears** welled in Orochimaru's yellow eyes, and fell in the cream cake.

"sob…I…oh, **thank you**! To you, Kakashi, to Sasuke, to my Kabuto…thank you! You are my only sunshine…sob" Orochimaru hid his face in his hands while sobs were shaking his body.

"Thank you, thank you for being there for me…I owe you a lot….I **will be life-long grateful to you**! I can't thank you as you deserve it! And you're all from Konoha…what a great village. Konoha is filled of golden hearted people!" these words said, he was in a flood of tears, but said anyway: "I LOVE YOU Especially you, Kabuto…I **will never attack Konoha**, now I just want to protect her and her wonderful inhabitants!".

After this tears filled moment, the lot heard noises at the door. Kabuto opened it and much to Kakashi's astonishment, there were ALL the villagers of Konoha out there! They all had banners with these words written across them: "KAKASHI AND SASUKE, **YOU'RE HEROES**!" "SAINTS NOW!" "KAKASHI AND SASUKE FOR HOKAGE", let alone the most popular ones: "KAKASHI AND SASUKE WE LOVE YOU" and "MARRY ME!" Shikamaru stepped out of the crowd holding his banner "FOREVER YOURS" and wearing a ripped t shirt, Shino gave his sunglasses to Kakashi, Tsunade and the other tomboys of the village were wearing a wet t shirt with "WE WANT ONLY YOU TWO!" on them and were squealing like a bunch of rabid fangirls at an anime convention (ahem it's not me, mind you).

The Clone was "eee" ing, while Kakashi was really starting to be afraid of his clairvoyant skills. When the hell did they prepare the banners?

"Perfect. Now Sasuke is ours. Clone, the potion is up to you. Will you be able to do that?"

"E"

"Does it stand for yes?"

"E"

Hey, finally i updated 2 chaps in a row. Thanks to all the reviewers!

Love joo!


	10. WHAT A MESS!

Chapter 10: WHAT A MESS!

Every night Naruto went to bed with Sasuke-toothbrush, and every moment he had his mouth free from talking he kissed him. Itachi and Kakashi were having serious crisis of diabetes and their only savior was Clone, who popped in every day.

"OOOaa eea a ee oooo e!"

"Which is?"  
"He says..mmm...that in fewmmm days the potion will be..ah...readymm" muttered Sasuke while trying to speak with his tongue shoved in Naruto's mouth.

"SASUKE AND NARUTO, CAN'T YOU JUST STOP FOR A MINUTE? IT'S ANNOYING, YOU KNOW!" yelled Kakashi sensei in frustration.

"Indeed, Naruto...what's so exciting in kissing a toothbrush anyway? If you think that Orochimaru stuck it in his mouth for the past 5 years..." asked a disgusted Itachi.

"Please, Itachi...don't say nausea inducing thing...BLAAAURGH" the copyninja fell on the floor throwing up everything, from the ramen he ate three days ago to his soul. (it's an italian proverb, yeh know -about throwing up the soul, not the ramen)

Naruto laughed and sang: "But I _luuurvee _him! I love you, you love me...we're an happy family...you know how the song goes, and I feel just like that!"

Sasuke felt like puking too at the syrupy statement, but he somehow managed not to.

"Hey, stop right there...if Sasuke gets his body back..where the heck do I go?" said Itachi.

"Ehm...you know, we were thinking about sending you back in the toothbrush..." murmured Sasuke.

"I WON'T LET YOU!"

"Happy now? I told you not to tell him!" scolded Kakashi.

"Does that mean we have to look for the diabolical toothbrush in order to get a hold of Itachi's body?" asked Naruto innocently.

"SHUT UP, don't give him ideas or else we'll have to do it!" answered Kakashi hastily.

"Yeah, sounds good...let's do it!"

Kakashi beat the heck out of Naruto and then started to think of a plan to get Itachi's body back, wherever he was.

"Well, I think if we just wait for him he will show up..." said naively the blonde.

"Ah, sure, of course! Look, in this very moment Itachi-toothbrush will appear at the door saying "hey there I got lost!" answered an annoyed Kakashi.

"You sure?"

"Absolutely. Or I'm not Kakashi anymo..."

"Ehm...sorry...I got lost...will you tell me where is the way out, please?"

"O. my. God." said Kakashi.

That said Naruto and Itachi got the Diabolical Toothbrush and tied him up. Then Itachi used on him his mangekyou sharingan that he got five years ago and that he could never use.

"Hey...so you DID kill your best friend after all!" yelled Sasuke.

"Erm..."

The group looked daggers at Itachi, but said nothing. Meanwhile, the toothbrush had woken up from the torture and was looking around in terror: "What do you want from me? Aren't you that brat who wants to kill me!" whined looking at Sasuke's body, aka Itachi.

The Sasuke-toothbrush (what a mess...too many toothbrushes around this ff!) screamed: "YOU BASTARD, YOU KILLED MY WHOLE FAMILY FIVE YEARS AGO!"

"WHO? ME? Hey, I've been living in this body for 4 years only, you twit!"

Then everyone was emitting smoke from their ears. WHy the hell there was always a fng thing that messed everything up? Who was lying? Uchiha Itachi or Orochimaru's toothbrush?


	11. EEEeeEEE OOo

Chapter 11: EEEeeEEE OOo

In order to avoid being killed during sleeping hours by Itachi or the toothbrush they decided to tie both of them up and to hang them on the roof of the cave (not hanging in the sense of killing...the just pasted them to the roof). But it was sad to see the last heir of the glorious Uchiha clan pasted on the roof like seasoning hams...

Meanwhile Clone was completing the potion. Just 40 kilos of strawberry condies to go and it would be done. The problem was that as soon as he got them from Orochimaru, he ate half of them at the very least...Then the copyninja had one of his FANTASTIC ideas: "What about buying them instead of taking them from the Terror of Konoha?"

Everyone had to admit that it was kind of true.

"Ok Kakashi, go and buy them!"

"ME! I'm the mind, not the porter!"

"Aw, Kakashi, you're not the porter...you're the factotum! (another wondeful alliteration killed by the change of language TTTT) And by the way it was your idea..."

"You know Naruto...I could even foresee your death."

"You...you wouldn't..."

"Well, who knows, maybe in this very moment a crazy Kisame with an axe could just break into the cave and he might head towards you to do you in..."

"BWARGH! I'M KISAME, A CRAZY AXE-MAN, AND I WANT TO DO UZUMAKI NARUTO IN!"

"O.my.gawd. I'm scary."

Naruto was hiding behind Kakashi and was cursing him using a very foul language, while his sensei was giving him the money for the candies.

"Yo, Kisame...have you come to set me free?" asked Itachi's Body.

"Yeah...but when I hear a pupil who doesn't obey his sensei, I...I feel like killing him!"

Naruto was out to buy the candies they so painfully craved and after an hour or two he was back with the stuff.

When he entered the cave he saw the following scene: Kisame and Kakashi were drinking tea happily chit chatting with Sasuke-toothbrush. The other two were seasoning on the roof, but they were talking too.

"I say that "_come come paradise_" is THE masterpiece of the last fifty years." said Kakashi matter of factly. "Well, let's say that the gum slippers scene is one of the most sensual in history..." nodded Itachi from the roof.

"The slippers...ah, yeah! Well, I really think that the hair pin one is way better..." added Kisame.

"Heey...let's not forget "_come come violence_"! No one can change my mind: the best scene is the one with the broken fridge!" diasgreed Sasuke-toothbrush.

"Great climax, but...don't you think that the bath tub one is better described?" suggested Orochimaru's toothbrush.

Naruto had lost all the respect for everyone in the cave. He was looking at them while they were talking about those erotic scenes, lacking the courage to say "I'm back!"

"EEEooooe eee o o aaa"

"Which is?"

"He says he likes better _"come come tactics_"

"NOOO! Even you read that filth! CLOOOOONE! You just can't leave me without any clue in life!"

"Oh, so you were back?"

"OO"

"What is he saying?" Asked Naruto, very exasperated.

"He says that the hottest scene was the rucksack one."

Naruto tried not to kill himself while holding his breath, but he really wished to do that. After that he greeted Kisame that really couldn't stay over the night, you know, he had to bake the pie...


	12. All you need is love… paparapà

Chapter 12: All you need is love… papparapapà

It was a dark, stormy night. Ok, there wasn't a single drop of rain. And it wasn't even dark, as it was not night... the scene is set in the closet of the Dark Hideout.

The Clone was done with the potion, finally. It was candy like red and it smelled like candy too.

"Hey, is it done?" asked Kakashi, who was sitting on a pile of cat food.

"OOOOeeee"

"Which is?" Asked Kakashi. Pointless, as Sasuke was not with him.

The Clone repeated his pointless blabbing for half an hour, trying to make Kakashi understand, then the famous cloud of smoke came out from his head BIFFing. Then he seized a chocolate muffin and wrote on the wall his thoughts:  
"_The potion has been completed. Now we have to bring it to those poor people and make them absorb 2 liters for every kilo of their weight. Then they'll have to sing the spell, spin on their heels and clap their hands to a rock and roll rhytm_."

Kakashi was looking at the words with an absent minded look. The Clone BIFFed and added:

"_You can read, can't you?_"

The copyninja nodded, then keeping silent picked the cauldron and with the Clone headed for the exit.

Once they arrived to the cave, they found the usual scene (translation, why are you so mean? A wonderful game of word...wasted...). There were Itachi Mind and Itachi Body (yeah! much more extravagant, complicated names!) pasted to the roof and Naruto who lied on the floor holding Sasuke in his mouth.

Kakashi put down the cauldron without wasting a single drop and he put a scale next to it.

"Nice scale. Where did you take it?" asked Itachi Body "Lately I couldn't keep up to date with my weight..."

"The scale? I don't know where I got it, it just appeared in my hand..." --''

Then they measured the wrecked boys. Sasuke-toothbrush weighed 20 grams, and so he would have to swallow...wait...if 2 liters for each kilo...a kilo is 1000 grams, so I divide 2 liters in 1000 parts, I keep only 20 of them...he would have swallowed TOT potion.

Luckily there was the Clone, who did know math.

"How much do the Uchihas weight?" asked Kakashi.

"Sasuke 50 kg, Itachi 68."

"You bitch! You got me fatter! And now how do I make the belly fat disappear?" whined Sasuke-toothbrush.

Then Clone gave the right doses to everyone, and taught them the magical spell they had to sing:

♪OO EE O! AaAaA! OO EE O! AaAaA! OO EE **O**, o… OO E EE! ♪

"Which is?"

"It says: all you need is love! Papparapapà! All you need is love! Papparapapà! All you need is **love**, love… love is all you need!"

"Fuck, I hate the Beatles..." muttered Itachi Mind.

Then a terrible chorus was audible in the cave, wild mumbles and frightening sounds filled the environment, so frightening that Orochimaru hid under his bed. Then the boys spinned on their heels and clapped their hands to the rhytm of Jailhouse rock.

Then the silence. The happy company looked at each other for 30 minutes. Then Itachi Body yelled: "Why the heck nothing is friggin happening?"

In that very instant they heard a SWIRL and everyone who was involved in the experiment fell on the floor. The first to get up was Sasuke, who thoughtfully made everyone know he was ok.

"Crap, I gained three kilos and they're all on my belly!"

Naruto reassured him saying that he didn't mind at all: after so many time kissing and hugging a skinny toothbrush he was happy with some meat.

Then Itachi woke up, this time in his real body. He spoke too:

"MWAAHAHAHAHAH! AND NOW LET'S GO BACK TO MY KILLING ORGIES...JUST LIKE OLD TIMES...sigh...how nostalgic!" that said, he went out of the cave and no one saw him ever again.

The one who kept silent was the toothbrush. How could he say anything? He was a toothbrush!

Kakashi was very moved by the sad toothbrush, and so he decided to help him: he destroyed it! He snapped it in half and during the funeral the toothbrush became a pink snake, thanked them politely and went to Orochimaru.

"What? That's the end? That's very disappointing!" complained Naruto.

"Aw, Naruto, there is still the EPILOGUE to go!" answered Kakashi in a frightening voice.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"


	13. THE EPILOGUE! NOOOOOO

Chapter 13: "The EPILOGUE!" "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO"

Three years had gone by.

As Sasuke didn't want to come back to Konoha, Kakashi was still hiding from Tsunade, who really wanted to put a stop to Kakashi's wild nights with Iruka. He was staying with Orochimaru and Kabuto keeping his false identity of Perfindo Kuroyama. The pink snake had been adopted by the Terror of Konoha and his fiancé-slave, who were raising him with love and dedication.

Itachi didn't do anything good, spending his days in atrocious crimes as usual. Every morning he teased the children in the park, in the afternoon he stole Orochimaru's cakes and in the night he told horror stories to Kabuto, who was so frightened that he couldn't sleep.

Naruto and Sasuke lived happily in the Oto country with their beloved son, Clone. Clone was a very good child, always affectionate and cute. They even asked for a loan to buy him the strawberry candies, but for their little cute child nothing was too much. Every month everyone popped in to blow bubbles in the loo toghether with the beloved Clone.

As the years passed by, Sasuke decided to give up his ninja way in order to fulfill his dream: opening a bakery. Itachi got tired of being mean for an organization and started working on his own. He was enrolled in a circus as a clown and his favourite hobby was to make the children escape by terrorizing them with his mangekyou sharingan. Kisame, sick and tired too, came back to the free ocean, to swim around with no restraints with his friends.

MOST LOVED CHARACTER AWARD:

Gaara enters the scene dressed up as a pinup and opens the envelop with the name

"And the winner is...

CLONE!"

Gaara gives the 'golden chipmunk' to the winner

"EEEOoooo OO e EOe o ooooo OO oo"

yo! What did you think of it? Hated it didn't you...

Anyway Ive got another funny fic to translate...want to read it?

if you want ask, and I will upload it!

see ya next ff!

Peace & Love,

Stermy


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